Archive for November, 2011

Thanksgiving Poem

Gobble gobble gobble
Turkey legs are now the reason
I’d put my foot in your ass
If I hadn’t had a reason

Stuffing is on the table
Stuffing is also in season
Stuffing can be dangerous
Especially without the season

People gathered round the table
Plastered in their chairs
Their bellies full and round
Metabolism needs repair

Life is simple and sometimes savory
Sometimes it’s nasty
Without the scent of gravy

People force food
Especially when they want it
People ram it in their bellies
And throw up from their stomachs

I’ve been sent to break the silence
Of people eating in the quiet
Thanksgiving has no budget
Not a single has a diet

I’m not talking about the lonely
I’ll never mention how much it hurt
But I will pay back my enemy
The turkey’s neck like a store clerk


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Thanksgiving is a time of war!

Thanksgiving is a time of year we can reflect on the things that we may take for granted throughout the year. I remember a time when most of the whole family would pack around grandma’s dinner table, living room and everywhere else the house would allow. Kids would be jumping in leaves, playing in grandpa’s basement and hiding in the attic. Most likely you would find me on the roof with my other daredevil cousins. There was nothing I enjoyed more than hanging out with my cousins, plotting the next big move. That would most likely mean a sneaky trip to the river, making nun-chucks, collecting pig irons for our home made sling shots and finding some money for the mini-mart. As a child I grew up with a great bunch of boys, being the youngest I was driven to be the center of attention. Anyways grandma’s house was always warm and cozy with the smell of pies, turkey, stuffing and typical old fashioned gobble gobble day food. It was one of the best times of the year. It was a time where everyone put their differences aside, came together and grew as a family.

The times they are a changing and in my world it’s changing for the best. As I miss my Grandma and the fondest memories I share with my family, I can now appreciate the memories I make everyday with my beautiful family. I am blessed to have a beautiful wife and the wonder of a little boy beside me through times of trouble and times of joy. I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads and food at our table. In the United States we the people are spoiled rotten and most of us never understand the hardships of others in other countries. During war, during times when people have no liberties or freedom we are getting hammered and stuffing our faces like gluttonous pigs never ever realizing the reality of life. Life can be abrupt and time takes us all, let the people in your life understand how you feel about them and let peace be with you this holiday season.

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What the hell are you eating?

Do you feel like this after you eat?

Next time your at the grocery store, take a good look at what’s in your neighbors cart. It may surprise you to find that most people eat processed unnatural unhealthy plastic ass food. Why? Well it starts with the biggest crutch of all Giant Eagle or from Rachael’s point of view Giant Bastard. When I first seen that she wrote about Giant Bastard, not only did I find it hilarious but it really got me thinking about it. Then walking through the store I started to notice people with cart’s filled sky high with creme soda and junk food. That is really really nasty. By no means am I stating that you have to buy grass fed proteins and high end produce to eat right, I’m simply stating that people do not cook anymore. However there is a huge difference in quality if the meat has been treated properly before slaughter. Nowadays if people do cook they throw it in the microwave and call it cuisine. Bull Shit!

You may as well be eating this shit.

I have a few problems with Giant Bastard. There is no real butcher and the meat behind the counter is extremely processed or it’s covered with nasty ass rubs and spices to hide the shitty ass quality meat of the mistreated and ill fed animals they slaughter. The Market District brand food is the most expensive and all the other brands they carry are so over commercialized. Such as the radio station WDVE. Are The Clarks still on the radio, seriously? Fucking Ridiculous!

Truthfully I was a bit skeptical myself and I decided to challenge my wife in a pizza cooking competition. I bet her that I could make a very similar tasting pizza with low end ingredients. It was pretty obvious before I even began cooking that the food I had bought was nasty. I bought whole canned tomatoes and mozzarella as cheap as possible. The tomatoes tasted like canned processed shit and the mozzarella was a huge hard ball that tasted exactly like string cheese. POINT! Even if you buy ingredients to make food you have to know what your actually buying. Most of the shit at Giant Bastard is nasty unless you buy their most expensive brands. People need to see that cooking is fun and cooking with real ingredients is the way to go. Whole Foods is great, it’s in a busy part of town but it’s worth the trip. Everything is good wholesome food and it’s fresh.


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Leaves…. What Leaves?


That’s right it’s nearly winter and all the leaves have fell, mostly in our yard. With the push of procrastination and a bit of strategy my wife and I have learned from the determined leaf pickers, our neighbors. We have watched them fail week after week trying to keep up with the falling leaves as they bag bag upon bag of leaves. Well with over 40 tree’s it’s no wonder as to why we’ve waited until the end of the season to do anything about it. But today was different, today was go time.

We put on or leaf retrieval outfit’s and everything, we were going for it. That’s right, we raked those fucking leaves into one huge pile and no we did not bag one single leaf. We used our leaf pile to it’s fullest advantage. Making the most out of your leaf pile is crucial, most people simple bag their leaves and have them sent off to some factory far east. Were not gonna do it, were gonna jump in our pile until it’s completely flat with no chance of supporting anymore body weight from the height of our roof. To make a good leaf pile you must sort your leaves of branches and sticks as these may enter your body as you land ever so softly onto your pile. There is nothing more exciting to a kid than to jump into a huge leaf pile. Have you ever met a kid that did not enjoy a good jump in the leaves? I have and he lives right next door, his dad left the spine rake in the pile and his son paid the price.

What do people do with these flattened stacks of leaves? Personally? I sell them to deer. Every year deer after deer, maybe a buck, comes knocking on my door for the latest and greatest leaf stack. I’m getting to be a big deal in the neighborhood. My wife and I pay neighborhood kids $4hr to collect leaves and we sell them to deer for up to $700 or &750 with a salt lick.

Now that’s a fuckin deal and that’s how you make the most of your raking experience this holiday season.

Below is the leaf pile my wife and I collected in 1 day using a rake and a shop vac as a blower!



Below you will find a deer that recently bought the cadillac of leaf stack’s. It’s called “The Leaf-Top Mattress.” Look how comfy he looks.

Below you have a deer that wished he had a “Leaf-Top Mattress.” Now that’s a damn shame!




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When Good Sarcasm Goes Bad

Some people may think that sarcasm has no budget. Well just like our economy, sarcasm also has a bank account and the financial institution is your fucking brain. Just as we balance our check books, we also need to consider the limit sarcasm has in it’s bank. I want to remind you that people use horribly exaggerated terms that are way outside of being sarcastic. Specifically the use of this term, “I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders.” Are you fucking kidding me?  The world weigh’s  6,000,000,000,000 ,000,000,000,000 (6E+24) kilograms. For sarcasm to actually effect someone efficiently there needs to be a good ratio between reality and imagination.

I haven’t been to the gym in a long time but I could imagine that I could hold around 180lbs before my back cracked the fuck in half. Some might state stress or circumstance could add more weight to the ratio, your dead fuckin wrong. Get real, quit being a Debby Downer and dust those fuckin shoulders off. If you need to use terms that real world rules apply try using these for example. “Aw shucks, Gosh Darnit, Dammit to Hell or my favorite, You’ll Have That.”

I’d like to take a minute to wrap up and talk a little about compassion. First and foremost, think about the terms you use when things aren’t going your way. Human’s for the most part have no compassion, especially for people whining about nothing. But Compassion less people will respond to a good sarcastic term. So If your audience isn’t responding the way you would like, get real and get fuckin sarcastic.

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The Mustache is my Friend

Have you ever considered the amount of time men and women spend maintaining their mustache’s. Well I have and came up with this brilliant theory that may shed some light on the topic. Men and Women from all parts of the country embrace their mustaches. Why? Well it’s pretty fuckin simple. Within every mustache lye’s a layer of sneaky ass shit. If you have a mustache or know someone who does, well that mother fucker is obviously hiding something, women especially.

I’m gonna put it out there and let you in on a little secret. The secret mustache society. Here there are governing rules that every mustache wearing mother fucker must adhere. I know this first hand as I have had a fucking mustache and have been invited to attend several meetings. These meetings take place in the most extreme places, such as hardware stores. Did you know that in every hardware store there is a secret mustache room. Men and women drink coffee in white styrofoam cups and watch other shoppers who mistakenly did not wear a mustache that day. Typical conversation in the mustache room. “Hey Tom, Judy, look at this clean face mother fucker, he’s never gonna find that banjo fitting. He’s been scouring lawn and garden for ten minutes! If only he had a mustache.”

I could talk all day about how to properly use a mustache and I plan to reveal all my fuckin secrets. But for the time being this clean faced mother fucker is getting hungry, I’m getting hungry for a mustache.



Tune in tomorrow for the Do’s and Don’t s of a proper stache

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Will sarcasm melt the polar ice caps?

Does sarcasm begin with a mustache? Does it take an extremely exaggerated view to convey sarcasm? Where will it take us, when will we know it’s available for use? In my blog, you will find many exciting ways in which you or your loved one can share the joy’s of sarcasm.

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