Me that’s who. Embracing this years holiday traditions, were gonna proudly display our Christmas tree right in front of our living room window. It’s ember light glowing through the window shades are really gonna make a splash this year. Our tree will be so intimidating that our neighbors shorts are gonna be hanging pretty low after discovering our glowing tree. “Whoa, honey have you seen the Henderson’s tree? It’s glowing so fiercely my abdomen just fell out of my stomach!”
The very first thing I need to do to set the end of the year off right is mount a stuffed reindeer to the front of my truck. That way people passing by are gonna know that I’m in the Christmas spirit and you better not get between me and my tree. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna get the best damn Douglas Fir money can buy. It’s gonna have perfect needle spread and it had better be 7’4″ tall or I’m gonna chop that sucker down like a coke head in the Rusty Dory bathroom.
The key to a getting the right tree is gaining the trust from your tree guy. A good tree guy will quickly identify the type of tree you need just by looking at your posture and hygiene. He or she formulates opinions such as ceiling height, tv position and it’s minimum glare angle, star size and then overall best position for the tree. After he finds you the right tree now would be the best time to ask him questions he can’t wait to answer. Such as, where does this tree come from? What types of drinks do trees like other than water? Will it grow through my ceiling or fill my room? If it should talk shit, what is the appropriate action? What if your tree wont stop crying? Is there such a thing as shaken needle syndrome? These questions are very important and remember to be thorough as nobody else needs Christmas trees this year. Finally, never ever tip the tree guy as it’s offensive and preposterous. No one needs to suck ass with tree guy it only slows him down. Grab your tree and get home as fast as you can!
After your purchase make sure you let the tree guy know that you came prepared and that your ready to attach the tree to your vehicle by yourself. After searching “attaching Xmas tree to car,” your ready for the big time. It’s time to show everyone you got what it takes to slap that tree down right the first time. You did not just come with yarn, you came with ratchet straps. The kind of ratchet straps that will never work properly, especially if you have no idea what your doing. Well if you like me, you carry a tree stand everywhere you go, especially when you get a tree. Slap that puppy down in that stand and plant it upright on the roof of you car. This is the most stable way to transport a tree. Hold the tree stand down with twine and attach twine to the top of the tree. From your driver and passenger window you can hold the twine and stabilize your tree. Works like a charm, especially in high traffic, low clearance and high wind situations. On the way home make sure your waving a Terrible Towel and continuously blowing your horn. You need to confirm your dedication to this years holiday spirit.
Now the fun part, decorating. I prefer to cover my tree with It’s Miller Time Holiday beer cans. For added texture I may just squeeze a couple right in the center. How do you light the tree you ask? Lights are no big deal in our house. We don’t buy expensive LED or Flux Capacitor light bulbs. I use two 500 watt portable work lights and aim them at a 45 degree angle to maximize “glow zone.” Not only do these lights blast off my Xmas tree, but they also light my whole downstairs. As long as you don’t look directly at the tree you will have no difficulty seeing. Warning, these lights are very bright and get smoking hot. They should be kept at a minimum of 3 feet from any human, animal or tree.
Make sure you invite all of your family over just to appreciate your masterpiece. Trust me your contact list is dying to get the invitation. They can’t wait to share your gift to the community and they are very proud to be included in the celebrations. Remember to have fun this holiday season and remember to drink, smoke, eat and shit as often as possible. Don’t worry about resolutions yet, just be good to your tree and your tree will be good to you.